Wat i want to do

I came to a rather intriguing decision last night as I struggled to sleep.

I was writing in my diary, and while I won't divulge everything I wrote, I will say that I came to a conclusion as to my previous motivations for staying here. The conclusion is this: whatever ties I once thought I had to this place have disintegrated, rather quickly, during the course of this life.

I felt suffocated at home, as if I needed to get out, to do this for myself while gaining the respect of my parents and peers for having such courage. I wanted to be on my own, to live life on my own terms. I have done so and have only found emptiness and longing rather than fulfillment.

I wanted to know that I am capable of making my own decisions, and I've discovered that I certainly am, if even they are the wrong decisions. I've realized that it's hard to make decisions, especially when it's only you making them.

I wanted to find a path to follow, a goal towards which I can aim, and I did not find it because I neglected to realize I am already on the path - have always been on it - and although it doesn't seem to be leading me towards any goal, I know something will show up eventually. Call it blind faith, but I sense a purpose for my life; it just isn't clear at the moment.

I wanted to meet new people, to make new friends, to share new experiences, and I have, although the majority seems to have been an ephemeral experience now part of my past rather than cumulated towards any future.

I wanted to test myself - to find myself, even - and on this incredible, divergent journey, I've changed and experienced so much that paradoxically, I ended up exactly as I was. I am the same me that I never realized I was, but it's the same, nonetheless. I need the exact same things I've always needed. I want the exact same things I've always wanted, including all the things I've listed thus far. My priorities have changed, though.

And so I list all the pros of staying here, and I list the pros of seeking new options, and the latter list is getting heavier every day. I'm suffocating again, and this time it's because I'm getting lost in a place where I was supposed to find something. I've accidentally found myself, and I find her screaming for release.

i have used so many new words here today.Thanks to my new hobby of reading the dictionary.

I think the test is over, and I passed. Or failed? I don't think it really matters.

Rose

I went into a Rose Garden to get a beautiful rose for my love,
There was Lots Around.
I searched for the best,
I finally got a beautiful rose for my Love.
For my love the rose was from One Beautiful plant.

Later My love told me that she had another rose ...
The same beautiful rose ...given to her by some one.T
he same kind like the same one plucked from the same Beautiful Plant,
O Thy was I late or why did the same plant have another Beautiful Rose


This poem is something really specially to me.. y .. it has a million of reasons which probably i can't tell .. ;)

Fear of Faliure

Have you ever noticed that the word “Happily” seems to proceed things that are not always happy. “Happily ever after”, “Happily married” or “Happily single”. Marriage may be great, but I don’t think it is a happily ever after walk in the park. That’s just a guess, all you married people can let me know if I am right. It seems to me that every good thing takes lots of work. It’s the people that are pressing forward and failing and get up and trying again that seem to actually be accomplishing something. On one hand you can call them the biggest failures in the world, because they have probably failed more then anybody else… but, that is because they have also tried more then anybody else. You could actually argue that the biggest failures in the world are the people that actually change the world.

I really don’t like to fail… especially publicly. But I am starting to realize that my fear of failure is crippling my ability to succeed. You have to risk failure to grow… a lot of times the growth comes from working through failure. It's like I said earlier, It's amazing how everything worth doing right seems so hard. But I think the reason it turns out to be right has something to do with what you learn while it is hard.

I am realizing I need to embrace the possabillity of failure and continue to press on to do and be what I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be a woman of courage, I am finding courage is as much about fighting and winning battels as it is about being willing to fail. You can loose a fight and still die with Honor… it's only when you stop you actually loose.To embracing Life I have realized I must also embrace failure.

When I See You !!

Nothing explains,
The rush of blood
Pumping through my veins

I hope you know,
That I like You.
I hope you say
That you do too.

I knew that I
would like to be,
Protected
by someone like you.

How clear can I
Make it all now,
What can I say
Where why and how.

I cannot think
Words unspoken
The way i thought
My heart was broken.



Missing u a lot today.... dont know y ...

10000 AT LAST !!!!!

Oh my god !!!! i dont believe this... ipconfig
I have finally reached the 10,000 mark..... wow....
This is something which i never expected so sooon... just started my blog in dec 2004 and now its reached to 10000 mark... wooooooooo hoooooo

I feel on top of the world :)

Got a SiteScore for this site on http://silktide.com/

Here are the scores

Your website is ranked #17,454 out of 34,474 SiteScores

Marketing
How well marketed, and popular the website is.....4.3

Design
How well designed and built the website is....9.1

Accessibility
How accessible the website is, particularly to those with disabilities.....5.3

Experience
How satisfying the website is likely to be.....8.3

Overall
Summary score for this website....6.1

Good / bad points:

*This website appears to be rarely visited

*This website appears to be in violation of the British Disability Discrimination Act

*This website is well linked to (417 websites link here)

*This website is very quick to respond, Your website responded in 0.51 seconds, and your homepage downloaded in 1.27 seconds. This is very fast and suggests your website is running on a sufficiently powerful web server.

*Design makes proper use of modern technology (no table-based layout)--We found an average of 42.4 images per page, this is high and will make the website slower to display.However, there appears to be good variety in the images within this website.

* The following 2 features were specifically identified: Hit counter, News. Generally, our analysis detected a positive selection of text and features.Webpages are reasonably sized and should display at a respectable speed.

*Your website does not appear to include any advert keywords in your source files and therefore displays correctly to the user with a spam blocker enabled.

Thanks a million to all u guys for frequently visiting my site.

46th in top 100 bloggers !!!

Feels great to know that my blog is in the 54th position among the top 100 bloggers..
U got to go to www.top100bloggers.com and go to page 2....
wow i feel so good !!! :)

Mr Ding Ding gave me an update now that its reached to the 46th position on page 1. ..Overnight change . Last evening it was on the54th positon..Thanks for updating me about it Mr Ding Ding.. but i really wanna know who u r ...

Listening to : Everyother Time (Radio Edit) - LFO

What did i acheive in one yr ~~ !!! ???

One Yr ? Wondering what it could be about... This was the due surprise i was going to give you all about.
19th July 2005, I have completed today One year in Accenture my present company.



And the question that remains here is what have i acheived in this one yr of duration.
I had worked with DELL before joining this place. Worked there for 11 months and 13 days and then took a break for one month and joined Accenture on 19th july 2004.
I remember last yr on this day, i was at the Taj Residency for my induction. 106 people in the induction hall,listening to what everyone had to say about this company, what this company has to offer us and blah blah.
All the fond memories of the training that we had gone through, the fun we had, the jokes we craked sitting in the laughing corner, starring at people sitting in the studious corner and asking all questions to the trainer { i still wonder what those questions were all about and related to what } , the hectic 2 months training we had, the evaluation that we went through, cheating through IP messenger and telling the answers online ;) { thanks guys for all the help, but no thanks also coz you guys didnt encourage me to learn things on my own } , but thanks to all we made it through togeather.
But right after the training keeping a track of the people that we had during the training the number has come down immensely , 106 people joined on this day and right now we have only 20-30 people in this company. Most of them have joined other MNC's minting more money or have gone abroad on H1 or MS; and with whomever i am in touch with all of them r doing well in their respective feilds.
I have had a lots of ups and downs in this company, at times i used to be so frustrated that i felt i should resign right away and leave this place. People around me sometimes used to be very discouraging and sometimes really helpful, but i have learnt a lot about people this way. But now i feel in a way its good that this journey wasnt a smooth sail, i wanted to go through all this and learn things in life personally and professionally.
The number of friends that i made was humongous. I have made so many friends here that i have forgotten the list and have really lost a count. But one good friend that i made here is tripti as u guys know.
I met her the first time on our interview , clicked well on the very first day, induction day were were togeather and then it went on like that. One year just went by like that. I met Tripti today and we were wondering as to how the time flew away and all the memories in the training. She is happy now doing her MBA and ME ??
If i was happy here, then I wouldn't have given my resignation today.. Well; yes this is the so called Surprise which might not surprise you people but those who know me well its a surprise for them.
My horoscope for the day says : " Try not to be too arrogant today, Kiranmayi V R, even when you are one hundred percent sure that you are right about the given situation. More than likely, you do indeed have the correct answers, but it is not necessary to be militant about it. Unexpected events are coming your way, and you may find that your emotions are being toyed with. Be on guard for people who may want to ruffle your feathers unjustly."
Had a argument with my parents last night, felt bad about things that they spoke, but then things have to go the way they have been written in my destiny.
Guess since i have given my resignation have to look out for another job while i serve my notice period, wish me luck guys that i get a good job in a good position. Keeping my fingers crossed.
All i can at this point of time is, i need luck and i need blessings.
Thanks guys for all the love you gave me during this one year stay at Accenture, many of you have touched my heart in a lot of ways, thanks a lot for the help at work, thanks for all the support you all have given me...
Thanks Tripti for listening to all my cribbing regarding my work, thanks Abu for making me laugh when i was pissed of with work, Thanks Dhananjaya for everything, Thanks to my Manager for tolerating me, Thanks to all my Teammates for helping me out with all the trouble i had with work ...




I cried,
I don't know if it was out of fear or joy.
I cried,
either tears of pain or just like that.
I cried,
My heart seemed to be being cleaned up by my tears.
I cried,
And i got rid of all the pain i had inside.

Sometimes when u've got all the pain lockedinside your heart,
All those times that you feel your life's falling apart,
Open your heart and let go of all the misery,
Cry your tearsand let your soulrelease the load for free.

My Tears,
They seem to come from my heart rather than my eyes,
My tears,
they came and greeted me out of full surprise.
My tears,
They blurred my vision but managed to ease the pain.
My tears,
They wet my face, so that i could clean it plain.

Sometimes when u've got all the pain locked inside your heart,
All those times you feel your life's falling apart,
Open your heart and let go of all the misery,
Cry your tears and let your soul release the load for free.

They've dried.
They only remain as a mere memory,
They've dried,
BUt i still dont know why they came form within me.
They've dried,
They came and they went,but will never be neglected.
They've dried,
And they will return again totally UNEXPECTED.

Journey through bloggin ~~

I dont know why but for the past few days i am feeling too nostalgic and yes its true that Nostalgia is the real me !!

1) Myself – I have a rich fantasy life. I now try to live in the moment which is a constant challenge. I cycle through one obsession after another.
2) Wisdom-- One year back, I left DELL and got into a job at Accenture, a life where i wanted to live like a ture indiviual.13th May 2004 I found a 12 Step Program that taught me to live in the moment. Some things that I learned to do are:
*Live in the moment.
*Don’t give advice.
*Agree with the complainer.
*Feel the pain and let it go.
*Pain comes from attachment.
*Never insult the cook.
*I don’t have to be right.
*Acceptance.
*Don’t add to the chaos.
*Don’t make predictions.
*If I cannot say it to your face then don’t say it.
*Don’t blog about sex, religion or politics.

3) Regrets – I have none. I cannot change the past so why bother? When I do regret I find I am either Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Then I correct that and the regret goes away.

4) Family – I was raised with true family values,but the question is how much did i follow. My parents and their relatives have over 160 years of marriage and a family which has endless branches of a family tree. Sometimes get a feeling that i haven't done anything for my parents and haven't proved to be a good daughter or lived upto their expectations. Sorry mom ! sorry dad !
5) Films – Two years ago I joined Dell and watched about 75 movies in this duration till date, mostly ones that I had missed over the years. I enjoy Entertainment Weekly because my best fantasies revolve around movies. I started blogging which had taken over my life. Writing, movies and friends are active sports, which gives me more pleasure.
6) Faith – My faith comes from Hinduism,Christianity and Zen. My 12 Step Program brought my faith into sharp focus.
7) Blogging – It satisfies my need to record, count and report as good accountants do. I started blogging as a way to connect to my thoughts through writing. Made a lot of changes recently in the blog and a good chance to play around with the HTML codes.
8) Words – I am constantly working on my writing, thanks to Sujinder { my chat friend in US of A} In my previous life I enjoyed writing e-mails to express my ideas. I enjoyed the self documenting aspect of e-mails. I do have difficulty writing as fast as the
ideas come.
9) Friends – I make friends easily and loose them over time. My friends come primarily from work, and other friends or internet. I do cultivate friendships,but i know that they just come and go. But being a sensitive person i get attached to people very easily. I have several new friends from blogging.
10) Ideas – People around me, my family, my life and myself.

What Flavor Ice Cream Am I?

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it. You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Chuck it !!!

You know what? I'm going to keep my thoughts simple tonight. Everything all boils down to this one thought "Screw what could have been"! Too much of my time is wasted with me living inside my head, imagining myself doing things differently in the past to bring about changes to the way my life is today. I've even laid awake for the past few hours in my bed unable to get to sleep because I've kept on going through all of these imaginary scenarios in my head. But it's a bloody waste of time.

The past is gone. It's dead. If I keep wasting my time thinking about it, then when this present becomes the past, and I look back at myself worrying and looking even farther back, I'll just have even more regrets. There are plenty of things I can do today to try and realize all of the far-fetched dreams I have for my life, or rectify problems I think I have. Lying around and imagining what I could have done ten years on the other hand, will get me nothing and nowhere. And interestingly enough, listening to songs that we used to playing togetherin school is what's uplifted me and gotten me out of the trance I've been in for the past few hours. And that really gets at the heart of why I play music, or get involved in any of the other crazy schemes I try to get myself into, whether it be making movies, the pranks i would love to play on my friends, a TV show, planning for a road trip, or whatever. It gives me hope. Not hope that any of those schemes will lead me to fame and fortune. Just hope that they'll help provide me with a cure for the common life.

I remember telling you all about the so called " Surprise" today. But just gave it a thought and was thinking if i should break the news now or not. Will break the news on 19th july 2005. One heck of a day which i think will be a historic moment in my life. On a second thought dont i already have a lotta historic moments already listed !!!!!!

Stream of Anger

Don't really have a whole lot to say in this entry. Just sitting here with the peculiar feeling that I'd just like to go somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs until I run out of breath. Would I feel better after that? I don't know. It's just that this peculiar idea is stuck in my brain that doing so would be the solution to the way I'm feeling at the moment.

I mean, honestly, when you think about it, how often in your life do you get to outwardly vent your emotions in a totally unrestrained way? The chance to scream at the top of your lungs or to physically vent your emotions doesn't exactly come up too often, without the certainty of having to undergo mental evaluation or endure jailtime afterwards.

I suppose there was a time three or four years ago after a bad Leaf loss, where I ended up beating on some old ratty couches in my room, and taking a tennis racket to my garageand hitting it hard to the wall. I don't think I could possibly get that angry over a sports game anymore. It'd just be nice to just anytime, be able to get those feelings out for no particular reason. Just because you damn well feel like it. And if you do actually have a concrete reason for it, even better.I suppose one way to do it, if you had a fair amount of money, is build a house where you have a soundproof room where you could yell to your heart's content, and then another room full of cheap breakable objects that you could take out your anger on. Would either of those be the same though, or a little too controlled? Kind of like the difference between going to one of those rock climbing places where you climb a big plastic wall, as opposed to climbing an actual mountain. Not that I'd know much about either.

Okay, time to go to get back to work. Another 4 more days and i will be completing one year in this company.The stream of anger that's poured out of me so far in this entry is probably insane enough, so I should quit while I'm behind and get the five hours of sleep that are left for me before I have to be at work tonight.

And you know what theres a surprise for you guys tommorow. So keep watching this page !!!

Madhumalai (Theppakadu)

I am sure you guys must have guessed it by now as to what i am gonna talk about by the heading of this post.
Had been to Madhumalai for a weekend.. a beautiful place and probably can say that will never ever forget at this trip in my life ever.
This place was situated in one of Asia's thickest forest of 450 sq.kms at Madhumalai (Theppakadu) and at the foot hills of the highest peaks of Nilgiris in South India.
Spread over a 32 acres of vast expanse of green woods, cool breeze, mist caped hills, hypnotizing scenic beauty { trust me it really was hypnotising} and hidden under the covers of the "Blue Hills -The Nilgiris".

We were four of us who went for the trip. Abu, Tripti, D and myself.
I can say that all four of were so very exhausted with our work that we definitely needed this break and it was definitely good when it comes to me. I enjoyed the trip, the mountains, the clouds, the fog, the mist, the fresh lovely wonderful breeze and the mountains were just breathtaking.
I was so very much looking forward for this trip, that tripti and myself started discussin about the things that we gonna do there and what pranks to play and so on.
This is how our schedule went:
Saturday:-
4.30am -- Reached tripti's home from work.
5.45am --left bangalore in D's car.
7.15am --Halt at Maddur for coffee/ breakfast
11.30am -- reached blue valley jungle resorts.
http://www.bluevalleyjungleresorts.com/default.htm

12.00pm -- got into the cottages, they were really nice compared to what i had expected though for the amount that we payed and stuff. I was dead sleepy 'coz i had worked last night and was extremely exhausted.
Tried to sleep but we had order for food at 1.30pm so there was no point sleeping. so we just rested for a while and then got up and went for our lunch.
1.00pm -- Called up mom to inform her that we have reached safely.
1.30pm -- Lunch at the restaurant. we had ordered for Veg thali, and i was so exhausted that i didnt have the energy to eat anything also and the sambhar that they had served was tooooooo spicy to handle.


2.00pm --Back to room and sleeping.
3.45pm -- Called up home, as dad was leaving for hyd so had to speak to him before leaving.
3.50pm -- Back to sleep.
4.30pm --Got up and got ready
5.00pm --out of the cottage with the beautiful weather and lovely breeze, took a walk for a while. Tripti was taking time to get ready so had tea till then.
5.30pm -- We heard about this temple on the hill top, so we were headed towards the temple on top of the hill. Well i was dead 3/4th way. So D and myself sat down there and were talking.. Tripti and Abu went ahead and came back after a while. The view from that place was just amazing, i really cant tell u how good it was there. i could see the mountains so far far farrrrrrr away, where u could see the mountains meeting the sky. It was the best thing i had seen after so many yrs. The last i remember was when i was in Shimla, Himachal Pradesh, India...when i was in the 4th grade at that time and had been there during winter vacations, hoping to see some snow around but guess what it was hot and sunny in the month of december in shimla :( and i couldnt see the snow.
anyways then
7.30pm-- We got back from the hill and were playing carrom board for a while then ordered for food. I was really hungry coz i didnt have lunch properly in the afternoon and since it was a saturday so i had to have vegetarian { i dont eat nonveg on saturday's and monday's }.
8.15pm -- We went back to our cottages and then were playing UNO { well a new game discovered by Abu, its a card game but a bit different , interesting though}
9.15pm -- Went for dinner.enjoyed the dinner and got back.. extremely sleepy.. but couldnt sleep :)
10.15pm-- Off to bed by this time. Since we had to leave early in the morning by 6 back to Bangalore... We cleared all our bills the same night and off to bed..

Sunday:

4.30am -- Woke up the Prince { Abu} and the Princess { Tripti} ..and went off to sleep again...
5.00am-- Got up again.. got ready and went out of the cottage to see the mountains.. i was there out till 6am.. one hr gazing on those beautiful mountains with the lovely clouds that were moving so fast as if they need to go to some other city .. lol....
6.20am-- Finally handed over the cottage keys to in the reception :(
Time to leave ...and say bye to this beautiful place.. Y Y Y should i leave this place.. i cant i want to be in this place always and my entire life.. cut of frm the entire world .. only me and this place.. naaa but i guess lifes not all about that..
On the way it was drizzling and we saw a lot of deer... elephants .. monkeys... lots of birds...
Was kinda bidding farewell to this place... I dont wanna leave u... :(
We went through Mysore city. 6 yrs in this town.. a place where again if given a choice would love to stay back and settle down. Seeing the Chamundi hills itself bought a smile on my face, all the memories were just so fresh as if everything happened just yesterday.
D saw me and said " you are so happy ". I really was happy. So happy coz i was there in mysore, saw the places where i used to shop, pick up stuff from the market and so on. I will never have anything bad to speak about this city. Saw Mysore Palace from outside and then drove down our way back to Bangalore.
Halted at Maddur again for a while and then back to Bangalore. It was getting a bit to warm .By the time we reached bangalore it was 12pm. Dhananjaya dropped us down at Tripti's home and he went back to his home.
We cooked lunch at her place.. laughed laughed and laughed.. now why we laughed D, Abu and Tripti know it well. I got back home at 6.30pm, exhausted and tired. and i was off to sleep by 7.00pm.
Got up at 9.30pm had dinner and again off to sleep....

This was about the trip that i had been for. A much needed holiday, where a lot of things were sorted out, joy , happiness, sorrow and fun. Got to know eachother more. I really dont know but then in a gist, this was a wonderful trip.

This trip as supposed to be a surprise for me but since Abu and Tripti couldnt manage things coz of their commitments, they had no choice but to break up the news to me before hand, but that was really a sweet thought by them and thanks D for taking us for this wonderful trip.

I am confused!!

It's funny how melted dark chocolate kind of looks like dry blood. I'm glad I can taste again; I was thinking maybe food would have no emotional meaning to me anymore 'cos they cut off a nerve or something. Then again, it's almost as if all of us are numb and indifferent most of the time anyway, so why bother with nerves and feeling anyway? Everything has become automatic; the things that shouldn't be... the things that we should really stop to think about a little bit.

We pay ridiculous amounts of money for car insurance and life insurance and house insurance... and our lifestyle is toxic - we overeat; overdrink; overwork... we drive SUVs, even though we rarely have more than one person in the car at a given time, contaminating our air. We use air conditioning in the summer to pretend we aren't meant to be outside - to prevent us from adapting to our natural environment (but how can we adapt anymore anyway since we've caused the unhealthy overwarming of our cities due to the greenhouse effect?) So is the insurance a cause of our condition, or a response?

We lock our car doors while going for groceries or shopping or work... and then we wonder why theft is such a problem in cities. How safe can we really feel when we can't trust our neighbours? Do we even have neighbours anymore?

We buy elaborate alarm systems for our homes to protect our families... and in the middle of the night, someone forgets to shut off the alarm before going outside for some air, and jars everyone out of bed - but they all know it's a false alarm, that someone just forgot to shut off the alarm. What kind of meaning can an alarm have when 99% of the time, it goes off by accident? Who are we protecting ourselves from? Ourselves?

Our smoke detectors are placed in specific places throughout the house... so when we step away from the kitchen because we're doing 10 other things at once and a slice of burnt toast fills the air with acrid smoke, they can scream at us for becoming as thoughtless and neglectful as we've all become.

A single pill once a day makes it easy for a woman to prevent pregnancy... yet there are more single, unwed mothers today than there ever have been, and a strange effect it's had is that less women even wish to be mothers at all or are giving birth later in life, and only to one or two children. And then, we've created daycares for other people to "watch" them while we're at work, because children have dangerously imaginative minds and God knows what kind of trouble they can get into if we don't drill it into their brains early that they must always be watched; that we are all always being watched... unfortunately, we're not any of us being watched by the people who should be watching us.

I just finished the small, half-opened chocolate that I'd started yesterday, but couldn't eat 'cos the wounds from my wisdom teeth were too painful. The dark chocolate has kind of melted on the crinkled wrapper. Somehow I feel sick.

I'm glad.