Wat i want to do

I came to a rather intriguing decision last night as I struggled to sleep.

I was writing in my diary, and while I won't divulge everything I wrote, I will say that I came to a conclusion as to my previous motivations for staying here. The conclusion is this: whatever ties I once thought I had to this place have disintegrated, rather quickly, during the course of this life.

I felt suffocated at home, as if I needed to get out, to do this for myself while gaining the respect of my parents and peers for having such courage. I wanted to be on my own, to live life on my own terms. I have done so and have only found emptiness and longing rather than fulfillment.

I wanted to know that I am capable of making my own decisions, and I've discovered that I certainly am, if even they are the wrong decisions. I've realized that it's hard to make decisions, especially when it's only you making them.

I wanted to find a path to follow, a goal towards which I can aim, and I did not find it because I neglected to realize I am already on the path - have always been on it - and although it doesn't seem to be leading me towards any goal, I know something will show up eventually. Call it blind faith, but I sense a purpose for my life; it just isn't clear at the moment.

I wanted to meet new people, to make new friends, to share new experiences, and I have, although the majority seems to have been an ephemeral experience now part of my past rather than cumulated towards any future.

I wanted to test myself - to find myself, even - and on this incredible, divergent journey, I've changed and experienced so much that paradoxically, I ended up exactly as I was. I am the same me that I never realized I was, but it's the same, nonetheless. I need the exact same things I've always needed. I want the exact same things I've always wanted, including all the things I've listed thus far. My priorities have changed, though.

And so I list all the pros of staying here, and I list the pros of seeking new options, and the latter list is getting heavier every day. I'm suffocating again, and this time it's because I'm getting lost in a place where I was supposed to find something. I've accidentally found myself, and I find her screaming for release.

i have used so many new words here today.Thanks to my new hobby of reading the dictionary.

I think the test is over, and I passed. Or failed? I don't think it really matters.