Whats The Meaning Of Life !!!!

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Wat i want to do

I came to a rather intriguing decision last night as I struggled to sleep.

I was writing in my diary, and while I won't divulge everything I wrote, I will say that I came to a conclusion as to my previous motivations for staying here. The conclusion is this: whatever ties I once thought I had to this place have disintegrated, rather quickly, during the course of this life.

I felt suffocated at home, as if I needed to get out, to do this for myself while gaining the respect of my parents and peers for having such courage. I wanted to be on my own, to live life on my own terms. I have done so and have only found emptiness and longing rather than fulfillment.

I wanted to know that I am capable of making my own decisions, and I've discovered that I certainly am, if even they are the wrong decisions. I've realized that it's hard to make decisions, especially when it's only you making them.

I wanted to find a path to follow, a goal towards which I can aim, and I did not find it because I neglected to realize I am already on the path - have always been on it - and although it doesn't seem to be leading me towards any goal, I know something will show up eventually. Call it blind faith, but I sense a purpose for my life; it just isn't clear at the moment.

I wanted to meet new people, to make new friends, to share new experiences, and I have, although the majority seems to have been an ephemeral experience now part of my past rather than cumulated towards any future.

I wanted to test myself - to find myself, even - and on this incredible, divergent journey, I've changed and experienced so much that paradoxically, I ended up exactly as I was. I am the same me that I never realized I was, but it's the same, nonetheless. I need the exact same things I've always needed. I want the exact same things I've always wanted, including all the things I've listed thus far. My priorities have changed, though.

And so I list all the pros of staying here, and I list the pros of seeking new options, and the latter list is getting heavier every day. I'm suffocating again, and this time it's because I'm getting lost in a place where I was supposed to find something. I've accidentally found myself, and I find her screaming for release.

i have used so many new words here today.Thanks to my new hobby of reading the dictionary.

I think the test is over, and I passed. Or failed? I don't think it really matters.


Blogger Metal said...

"I'm suffocating again, and this time it's because I'm getting lost in a place where I was supposed to find something"

This sentence indicates that a mind is not at rest. What I can gauge from your post is that you certainly want to break free but want to have the feeling of freedom almost instantly. I think you are expecting too much too early. From expectation stems anxiety, from anxiety stems restlessness and restlessness leads to fervent actions and fervent actions leads to frivolous behaviour.

I think you need to chill. You need someone to tell you that all's well. Someone to tell you that this your goal and this how you achieve it. close friends can do the trick. Take some time off.Relax.

I hope you can decipher what I said.

July 30, 2005 12:55 PM  
Blogger Kiran said...

i guess so. but i know i am frustarted..i dont know metal but i really need a break but then there r so many commitments that u really cant help it.

August 02, 2005 12:05 PM  
Blogger Metal said...

Commitments are meant to make it tougher for you. For greater good..you should.

August 03, 2005 12:10 AM  

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